Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack.
Why didn’t the bike want to go anywhere? Because it was two-tired!
Want to hear a pizza joke? Nahhh, it’s too cheesy!
Illustration of a cheesy pizza
Why are chemists great at solving problems? Because they have all of the solutions!
Why is it impossible to starve in the desert? Because of all the sand which is there!
A string walks into a bar and the bartender goes, “Sorry, we don’t serve strings here.”
The string walks out all sad and defeated, then has a great idea. He ties himself in a bow, cuts off his ends to look all pretty, and struts back into the bar.
The bartender looks at him and goes, “Hey, aren’t you that string I turned away before?” and the string goes, “Nope! I’m a frayed knot!”
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Halloumi!
Why did the developer go broke? Because he used up all his cache.
A man goes to the zoo. There’s only ONE exhibit in the entire zoo. It was a Shih Tzu.
Did you know that ants are the only animals that don’t get sick? It’s true! It’s because they have little antibodies.
Two antennas decided to get married, the ceremony was pretty boring, but the reception was great!
Why did the donut go to the dentist? To get a filling.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
Illustration of a red gummy bear
Two friends are walking down the street thinking of something to do. One friend turns to the other and says, “Let’s go get a drink, there’s this new place that does THE best punch you’ll ever drink.”
So they make their way to the bar and walk straight up to the bartender “Bartender, two glasses of your best punch please.”
The bartender replies in a stern voice, “If you want some punch you’re gonna have to get in line like everybody else.”
The friends turn and look around but there’s no punch line…
Corny jokes
What does a vegan zombie like to eat? Graaains.
What do you call a dinosaur with only one eye? A Do-you-think-he-saw-us!
Assistant: So what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
The person who invented public bathroom stalls: Can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player? Because to them… love means NOTHING!
What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.
What’s a potato’s favorite form of transportation? The gravy train
What did one ocean say to the other? Nothing, they just waved.
What did the right eye say to the left eye? Honestly, between you and me something smells.
What do you call a dog that’s been run over by a steamroller? Spot!
Animated illustration of an abstract dog wagging its tail
Why it is hard for a communist to tell a joke? It’s not funny until everyone gets it.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One’s pretty heavy and the other’s a little lighter
Teacher: “Anyone who thinks he’s stupid may stand up!”
Nobody stands up
Teacher: “I’m sure there are some stupid students over here!”
Little Johnny stands up
Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny you think you’re stupid?”
Little Johnny: “No… I just feel bad that you’re standing alone…”
Why don’t scientists trust Atoms? They make up everything.
Two whales walk into a pub.
They take a seat at the bar and the first one turns to the bartender and says: “Whhhhhoooooaaaaaeeeeeyyyyiiiiiaaaalllllllooooaaaaauuu?”
The second one turns to the first and says, “Shut up Fred, you’re drunk.”
Knock-knock jokes
Knock knock. (Who’s there?) Déja. (Déja who?) Knock knock.
Knock knock. (Who’s there?) To (To who?) It’s “to whom.”
Knock knock. (Who’s there?) Doorbell repair man.
Knock knock. (Who’s there?) You. (You who?) Yoo-hoo! Anybody home?
Dad jokes
Why don’t we see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
Why does a Chicken Coop only have two doors? Because if it had four, it’d be a Chicken Sedan!
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the “Fresh Prints.”
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. A house doesn’t jump at all!
What do diapers and politicians have in common? They both stink and need to be changed often.
A man walks into a bar, and it’s empty - it’s just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.
He hears someone whisper, “Pssst…I like your tie.”
The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.
“Pssst…that color looks nice on you.”
He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?”
The bartender rolls his eyes and says, “No, sorry about that. It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”
Illustration of peanuts in a bowl
Arnold Schwarzenegger goes back to Austria for his Easter Break.
When he returns to California his friend says to him, "Arnie, I hear you went back home to Austria for Easter. How was it?
To which Arnie replied [in Arnie voice]: “Oh it was terrible! My father, he ruined the Easter Egg hunt, he put all of the eggs in awful places and nobody could find any eggs and quite generally we all had an awful day.”
His colleague then says, “Oh Arnie that’s no good at all, I’m sorry to hear! Does that mean you don’t love easter anymore?”
Arnie [Very important to read in Arnie voice]: “Oh no of course not - I still love Easter, baby.”
An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it. The owner said, “Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me - you do not want that parrot!”
She said, “I can teach it good manners.”
But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.
She took it out and said, “Did you learn your lesson?” It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds. She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.
The parrot said “Brr… Yes, I learned my lesson, but, what did the chicken do?”
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!” He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, “When are you going to pay for these beers?”
The man answers, “Now the problems start!”
Once there was a man who went to an exotic country and came across a stall selling handmade handheld fans. He asked for the prettiest and longest-lasting one and the owner charged him a whopping $1,000! After using it the first time, it broke so he took it back for a refund.
The owner listened to the complaints and finally asked him how he used the fan. The man demonstrated flapping the fan as one would normally do.
Then the owner said, “Ah! No wonder! You have been using the fan wrong. This is the way to use it.”
Then, he held the fan and frantically moved his head left and right.
And God said to John, “Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life!” But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Illustration of a carrot on a swing
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
An Italian businessman goes to Indonesia for a business trip. He hates Indonesian food, so he asked the concierge in his hotel, “Is there any restaurant where I can find Italian food here?” The concierge says, “You’re lucky sir, a new pizza restaurant just opened and they deliver.” The businessman asks for the restaurant’s number, goes back to his room, and orders the pizza.
30 minutes later, the delivery person shows up with the pizza. He takes the pizza and eats it. Suddenly he’s sneezing uncontrollably and shouting to the delivery person, “What did you put on this pizza?!”
The delivery man bows deeply and says, “We put exactly what you ordered on the phone, sir. It’s pepper only”
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can’t jump.
Jokes referencing celebrities, movies, and games
Illustration of Snoop Dog
Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? Fo drizzle.
If Bert Newton was a butcher…how would he introduce his wife? Meat Patty!
What do you call Batman when he skips church? Christian Bale.
What kind of pants do Mario and Luigi wear? Denim-denim-denim
Why can’t Chuck Norris use the internet? Because he won’t submit.
How does Lady Gaga like her steak? (sing) Raw-raw-raw-ra-ah-aww
What’s Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1
Did you know that the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is only ever a whim away? A whim away… a whim away…
Why didn’t the Terminator upgrade to Windows 10? I asked him and he said, “I still love vista, baby.”
Jokes about work
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500 dollars.”
“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the man. The owner says “Well the parrot knows how to use a computer.”
The man then asks about the next parrot and learns that it costs $1,000 dollars because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot, only to be told that it costs $2,000 dollars. Needless to say, this begs the question, “What can it do?”
To which the owner replies, “To be honest, I have never seen it do anything, but the other two call him boss!”
Illustration of 3 parrots
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes, and he gave me a 5% raise.
Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric, and cable company.”
Why did the scarecrow get promoted? Because he was out standing in his field!
A designer walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your type in here.”
A product manager walks into the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, no drinks, but we’ll consider adding them later.”
A drunk Elm programmer walks into the bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve dysfunctional programmers.”
Finally, a QA engineer walks into the bar, orders a beer, ten beers, 2.5 million beers, a dog, and leaves without paying.
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word.
Anecdotal jokes
I was told that I needed to come up with a joke for this thing, and I’ve always been one of those people who messes up the punchline, so I figured I should probably prepare for it.
So I went to a bookshop and found a good joke book, to try and get some inspiration, or just plain steal a joke to use.
When I got home, I realized I’d accidentally bought a thesaurus. As you can understand, I was pretty crushed… upset… disappointed… vexed… disconcerted.
I‘ve spent the last five months traveling so, rather than tell a joke I thought I’d tell a story about one of the people I met.
So I’m in Cambodia, chilling at the beach and meeting people, as you do, chatting away and drinking. One of the guys I meet is Jurgen. He’s as wide as he is tall and he has this fantastic big belly that sticks out like a barrel. But that’s not what stands out about Jurgen. No, what stands out, is the enormous tattoo that he has written across his torso, over his belly. Five letters. One word. PIZZA.
So as we’re drinking away and getting to know each other, my mind keeps wandering back to the tattoo. What’s the significance of it…What does it mean? Does it represent his social commentary on the state of the world? Is it a pet name? And the longer we sit there drinking, the more determined I am to work it out. So eventually, after a lot of beers, I pipe up the question.
"Hey, Jurgen”
“Yes, Dan”
"Can I ask a question?”
“Of course you can Dan”
“What does the Pizza tattoo mean… Is it a childhood nickname? Does it have some kind of symbolic or deeper meaning?”
And Jurgen puts down his beer and looks and me and just says,
“No, I just love Pizza."
My housemate is a huge Richmond Tigers fan. Now the Richmond Football Club in Melbourne hadn’t been in the grand final since 1982 (way before she was born) so this was a big deal for her.
Unfortunately, she hadn’t expected them to make it to the grand finals (after all, they never had made it in her life so far) so when she was planning her wedding she had picked that same spring afternoon.
Devastated as she realized she couldn’t possibly do both, she resigned herself to making the difficult choice, the only choice, and posted on Facebook “If anyone would like to take my place this Saturday, 2 pm at St Mark’s Chapel, let me know.”
